I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
