I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
