how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
