I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
