I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
