I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
