Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
