I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
