Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
