Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
