don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
