part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Randomize
