her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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