did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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