i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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