Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
