hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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