I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
and she was petting her beer can
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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