Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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