I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!