3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
