nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
