I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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