You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
