I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
