apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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