Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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