the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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