Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
