I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
