Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
