apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
