He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
