I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
