my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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