i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
