She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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