Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
