omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
