My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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