I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
