We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
