I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
