dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
