I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
