Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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