and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
