ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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