i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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