he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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