I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
