I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
