I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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