and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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