She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
