I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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