Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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