So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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