I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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