if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
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i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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