Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
