My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
