Where is the hickey?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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