There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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