I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
