look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
